Back to Work and How I am Barely Coping

I went back to working as a nanny with the idea in mind that I could make money and have my one year old with me. I watch two kids, ages 2 and 4, and then bring my one year old with me. Or at least I used to.

See, these two kids I watch lack structure. There are no rules, the TV is on all day, their mother said to me this morning, "For lunch, there are chocolate cupcakes in the freezer or popsicles." Excuse me? Why in the world would I feed them sugar for lunch? Why do you bribe your kids with TV and sugar? They're having baby number three in 2019 and I just can't imagine how that will go. 

Anyways, I stopped bring L because she started to adopt behavior patterns. She would act out, throw huge fits, hit, and scream just like these kids do. I had to do what was best for her development and leave her with her grandma for the two days I nanny. This is not ideal and this is how it's going:

This morning, I left at 7:40am. I listened to L scream "Mama" all the way down the stairs and into my car. I could still hear her in my car, I swear. I wanted to turn around so many times. At the landing of the staircase, I wanted to go back for one more hug. At the security door, I wanted to run up their stairs and bring her with and never let go. In my car, I wanted to slam my door and run to her. Pulling out of the parking lot, I put on the song "Happier" by Marshmello and cried. I'm an idiot. I cried to the highway. I cried when I turned onto the street of the family for whom I work. I walked in and their two year old was screaming for her mom. It's like having PTSD. I wanted to leave. I still want to leave. I miss my daughter. I hear her still but I know she's fine. I know I have to do this for my family. We need the money. 

This is not ideal but it has to be done. I didn't want this but it took so long to find a job as it is with the possibility of being able to bring my own child. While this aspect didn't work out, it'll do for now to get us to the point of having enough money for a down payment on a house so we can leave finally. 

My heart aches and I hope she knows I love her and miss her every second of the day. I hope she knows I am not leaving her. I will never leave her. I love you, L.

Love,

The Honest Mom