Not another post about mental health

So, I have postpartum depression. Or maybe I HAD it. I don't know when you draw the line between "have" and "had." I also don't know if this depression is PPD or not. I also don't know if this anxiety is postpartum or generalized. Where does the line get drawn? When is the shift really made between postpartum and just general anxiety and depression? 

I recently went back to nannying and there are days I don't mind being here and then there are days like today where I would rather be anywhere but here. The depths of hell would be more enjoyable. My child is at her grandma's while I watch someone else's kids. Don't get me wrong, they are really good kids.... but nothing compares to my kid in my house with my rules. I'm in a mood today where everything they say, every stupid question they ask, only gets a shrug or a one worded answer in return. I'm just not all here today. Why?

Two days ago I was told by someone whom I love deeply that I wouldn't have anxiety attacks that make me so sick if I didn't get upset over little things. Right after that, this same person told me I am an asshole because I was short with them when they complained about their physical problem. I get it: you think your physical problem is more important and worse than my emotional/mental problem. You visibly are limping and my problem is invisible. The only sign of it existing is my attitude towards you and life in general, but once again, you are more important, right?

When your partner or best friend or whoever has anxiety and depression and you belittle their feelings and make them feel like yours are more important, you make them not want to tell you things anymore. You make them want to shut down. And then you make them think about life without you. And then they stop fighting. That is when you have really screwed up. 

I, personally, am the type to continuously back a person up and give them chances and love even if they don't deserve it. I only have so much left to give. When I give up, understand that took a lot to do. I usually don't give up on anyone but if I have run out of love and forgiveness... just know that took everything out of me. I am a strong woman, but this is my weakness. Letting go is my weakness. I'm not one to give up, I am a perfectionist, but I can't fix something that just isn't fixable. My depression says to let go but my anxiety says to cling for dear life.

I am at a loss and that is okay. 

Depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, whatever it is you are suffering with.... is a real battle every single day. Maybe you feel like you are losing today or maybe you are having a winning day. The only thing that matters is you wake up, you try, and you be a good parent. You can breakdown when the child(ren) are in bed but no sooner. We can get through this.

Love, 

The Honest Mom