It's been a whole year, what the duck?

On this day at this time, I brought my sweet little first born into the world. It has been a world of ups and downs. There have been days where I didn’t think I could go on. I didn’t think I would be a good mom to her. I was too young and made a mistake.

I had so many worries. Would I be able to breastfeed her? Would she survive the first year? Will I get pregnant again by accident? What if I didn’t know what to do? What if she got sick and I couldn’t fix it? What if she gets cancer? What if she is mentally disabled? I can’t do this! I can’t take care of a baby. I am a baby.

Only I’m not. I decided to have this baby with this guy I barely know and now I have to see this through, see her through.

Let me take you back to October 15th, the day she was conceived. I’ll keep it short and sweet for you all. I got drunk, had sex with a friend, and found out I was pregnant November 3rd. Easy enough, right? But now you know why I was so uncertain about it all.

But I was wrong, for a little. I met my sweet girl. I held her close and all those worries disappeared for a little. I cried into her sweet, newborn smelling hair. My body made this. At one point, my body held an extra heart, two extra sets of lungs, and a whole extra SKELETON. A woman’s body is amazing, so remember this when you are staring at your empty, flabby stomach and deep pink stretch marks. You just grew a whole extra human. You are a rockstar.

I look at my daughter today, after this wonderful year with sprinkles of terribleness, like she put the stars in the sky. To me, she did. She lit up my entire world. She is the sun that rises in the morning and the stars that come out at night. She is the wind and the rain, no, not the rain. She is my thunderstorm. She is everything I love in the world and so much more.

I contemplated suicide so many times, including after I gave birth, as I have discussed previously. I didn’t know my baby would have her mom for a full year. Now that I have made it the full year, I can’t wait to see her through.

To many more, sweet girl. Happy first birthday, LEJ.

Love,

The Honest Mom